Having boundaries and saying no are for other people to do, but it doesn’t seem like it is reserved for you to say or do. But saying no for sanity’s sake is essential for your mental and emotional well being. I met a young man, whom I had met AFTER I turned down the opportunity to help him.
An opportunity you may ask? It is awesome to be in the position to help someone. However, knowing/learning that you have the right to say NO when you are not in alignment is the point of this story.
He is delightful and I got the chance to tell him that I was pleased to meet him AND why I couldn’t say yes.
It appeared as though we (Fitz and me) were the only ones to do help in his situation. This story is about choices vs shoulds. Even when it doesn’t look like you have a choice, please remember that you always DO!
Here is my truth. I HAD to say NO. It bubbled up from my gut. The word NO was quickly recited in my head and kept getting louder and louder before my husband could even complete the question. I didn’t care what it looked like, not EVEN to him (read: I could not (emotionally afford to) care).
I was still exhausted. Exhausted isn’t even a thorough enough word to express the undertaking of my last several years.
Personal Recovery Has Its Own Time Table
Recovering is a fuller word for the amount of giving that I have ‘put out.’ The following are my words from MY experience. We have had 2 people live with us for the past four years!!!
It is challenging enough to cultivate a successful marriage. Add the stress and intrusion of another person(s) into our day to day lives forced me to focus on what I want.
For a large portion of this cohabitation, I focused on what I didn’t want, so the law of attraction ensured that I had more of what I didn’t want, because that is where my focus was.
Once I became clear and focused on what I wanted to experience in my life with my husband, the path just lit up for me. Similar to an airport runway at night.
It was right in front of me, but I couldn’t see it. I hadn’t asked myself any questions or of my life. I assumed this is what I had to do.
You see, I drew conclusions. Assumptions that became obligations. Choking obligations. Resentment. An under current of rage. I got tired of that reality.
I began asking questions of myself as I would ask my clients. (Coaches need coaching too.) I realized that just because my husband made a decision didn’t mean I needed to live with it indefinitely.
I got caught up in the ‘shoulds’ and being ‘nice.’ (I don’t even subscribe nice as an attribute in my life, because ‘nice’ is trying to please people and not rock the boat. I still have no idea where this came from, from inside of me.)
Just because we are a team, I didn’t need to wear his burdens as my own. I forgot that there is always another option. Even in the face of feeling uncomfortable. I was already uncomfortable and inconvenienced in my own home
Did I really have anything to lose and everything to gain? So without apology, I shared my truth with my husband, which came out all ugly and slightly inappropriate, because I waited too long. I assumed that he would see my discomfort and take it away FOR me.
But this never works. Placing the responsibility for your happiness and quality of life to another person (even and including your spouse/partner) is a complete No-No. The burden is too great, it is not fun or sexy. No one is placed on this planet ‘to do your happy’ for you.
That is your job. (We need to burn all the fairy tale books and all things Jerry McGuire.) The biggest takeaways I wish for you?
1. Trust your gut and speak from that place.
2. Tell the truth, even if it is uncomfortable otherwise, it is coming back to bite you in your hindquarters.
3. Your happiness matters, but only if you say that it does and you are willing to have it.
4. Throw ‘nice’ away AND saying NO is an option for you (no matter what it looks like to anyone else.)
My questions to you are:
Are you being on purpose?
Are you happy with the way your life is going?
Is your life in full color or in black and white?
If your answers are not resounding Yeses, then I invite you to grab a free tool on how you can begin to harness in your power
: (the title is a bit misleading but you will be pleased with the result…)
As for the gentleman at the beginning of this blog
post? He has become a fast family friend AND he figured out another way (without us). As for me, I am free to refresh my soul and continue to create the life I desire.